Supervised Visitation Monitors Association of Northern California

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Response Techniques
Tips to consider before you engage in a verbal shootout

Remember that anger brings about emotionally charged responses in most dealings you will have with your spouse or soon to be ex-spouse.
In order to be successful in your contact with each other, you need to decide just what your attitude should be. I say should, because there are principally two ways any of us can deal with a situation: the way we want to, and the way we ought to. Ought implies that while want may give relief to our gut level response, ought will gain more benefit.
In all that you do, consider the notion that no matter how badly the other may verbally treat you, you are better off by treating them with basic respect, dignity and honesty. I say that because when we are upset by the actions of others that are beyond our control, we verbally lash out in frustration. In doing so, we do not always say things that will get us the resolve that we desperately want. And it is that desperation and frustration that drives us to say the things we do in the heat of the moment.

The Communication Process

By starting the conversation with the aforementioned basic respect, dignity and honesty, you can begin the process of short-circuiting the cycle of insults > anger > verbal attack. What this does is to diffuse in a small way the other person's hostility. Even though their style may be to humiliate and demean you, they cannot be effective if you essentially ignore their attack with a statement like "You sound really angry with me, perhaps we should talk later," or "I don't swear at you, I don't want you to swear at me." Any phrasing that gets the idea across is fine as long as it does not insult the other. If it continues, hang up.

The thing to remember is that it may never get easier, but it will be less complicated because you are not providing the other with ammunition for their attack on you. If they want to do verbal battle, you are forcing them to go it alone. What you will find, is that eventually they will give it up.